Why "Self-Improvement" is Ruining You (And What to Do Instead)

Evan Marks: [00:00:00] The fear of failure to me is minimal because the fear of regret is bigger.

Sean Weisbrot: The reality is the world isn't a positive place.

Sean Weisbrot: A lot of people are just lying to themselves.

Evan Marks: My dad's a crackhead. My mom's a single mother who just literally kept us alive.

Evan Marks: When you overthink, you never get on the field, ever.

Sean Weisbrot: There comes a certain point where when you make more money than you need, you should think about what you want to give back to people.

Sean Weisbrot: What's been the hardest thing about being an entrepreneur for you so far?

Evan Marks: I think the hardest thing about being an entrepreneur is you are isolated sometimes, right?

Evan Marks: So you have to handle all the big decisions.

Evan Marks: You know, I'm a solopreneur, so all the decisions. I don't have a partner, so I have to make these decisions, and I'm always in uncharted territory.

Evan Marks: I was a Wall Street guy for 25 years. Now I'm a coach.

Evan Marks: I don't even know what social media was till two years ago.

Evan Marks: Now we're doing a TEDx talk, writing a book, [00:01:00] putting a program together, all these things.

Evan Marks: I've never done it, and I'm 53, so for me it's really balancing being overwhelmed and moving in the right direction.

Sean Weisbrot: So since you're now a solopreneur and you have to rely on yourself, but in your past, I imagine on Wall Street, it's a lot of networking, right?

Sean Weisbrot: Rubbing shoulders with the right people to, you know, get in on deals.

Sean Weisbrot: I don't know exactly what your history is, but I'm just making an assumption. How do you maintain your network?

Sean Weisbrot: Or do you not bother to maintain that network? Or have you tried to rebuild a new, or build a new network?

Sean Weisbrot: Kind of what's that process been for you?

Evan Marks: You know, it's interesting because a lot of my clients are Wall Street guys, I'd say 50% of my business.

Evan Marks: But when you, when you're, when you're a hedge fund guy, it's literally how good is your research and how good is your decision making?

Evan Marks: Are connections important? Somewhat, right? 'cause you want information, but it's very different.

Evan Marks: You know, I would say, you know, I'm in, when you're a hedge fund, you're on the buy side of the business, right?

Evan Marks: You're not the Morgans, the Goldmans [00:02:00] of the world. So you are a client, right?

Evan Marks: But for us, on, on, as a hedge fund guy, you're looking for best information. Best preparation, best decision making.

Evan Marks: Now, on the other side, as a coach, as you run a business, you're creating something.

Evan Marks: There are very two different skillset.

Evan Marks: So being a hedge fund guy for 25 years, I now have to really restart a new business, right?

Evan Marks: Because, 'cause you know when you ing, you don't need social media, right?

Evan Marks: You're not speaking on stages, you're not doing any of this stuff.

Evan Marks: So when I became a coach at 46, I really had to recreate who I was.

Evan Marks: So it was a complete reinvention of Evan Marks.

Sean Weisbrot: I think that's a really important skill to have at any age because of how fast the world is changing, and I think a lot of people listening to this are just starting out for the first time.

Sean Weisbrot: They're probably a lot younger than both of us, and so they're probably thinking about how [00:03:00] can I develop the skills to develop skills faster in order to continue to compete?

Sean Weisbrot: Are there any, is there anything that you've learned in the last few years being a coach, going from that hedge fund career that, that has helped you to develop skills faster that people could learn from?

Evan Marks: Well, you know, it's interesting because my mental performance coach, so we all have fear of something.

Evan Marks: So I realize that, you know, as I'm, as I get bigger and bigger and try new things, I'm always, I'm gonna fail at certain things.

Evan Marks: So the fear of failure to me is, is minimal. Because the fear of regret is bigger.

Evan Marks: So when you think about stacking skills, you have to understand that the possibility of failure is there, but the possibility of success is there as well.

Evan Marks: So when you're an entrepreneur and you're trying to build things, be curious.

Evan Marks: You know when, when you overthink, you never get on the [00:04:00] field, ever. So get on the field experiment.

Evan Marks: See what it is though, because once you start that momentum train, you're in good shape. It's never perfect, Sean.

Evan Marks: You know that and I know it.

Evan Marks: You're an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. It's never perfect. And imagine if it was perfect. Your growth is limited.

Evan Marks: Then we, I make so many mistakes and failures. I can't even, I, I, I don't have enough paper to write it down on, but I'm moving ahead each day though, so I'm willing.

Evan Marks: To stretch myself and to see and be curious of what happens, and that's how skills are built.

Sean Weisbrot: Do you think the fear of failure is stronger on Wall Street as a hedge fund manager or as a business owner?

Evan Marks: The feedback loop on Wall Street is massive. It's the quickest feedback loop.

Evan Marks: Your, your nervous system is getting attacked constantly. So I would have to tip my head to Wall Street [00:05:00] traders and PMs.

Evan Marks: I think it's a little harder 'cause you are dealing with massive uncertainty at all times.

Evan Marks: So, you know, as a Wall Street guy, you gotta be comfortable with uncertainty and confident in your behavior because you could have everything right and be massively wrong.

Evan Marks: So, am I as stressed as I am as I used to be on Wall Street?

Evan Marks: The answer is no. However, I, I'm still allowed to be overwhelmed 'cause I wanna build something that creates impact.

Evan Marks: I will knock my Wall Street days. I am much healthier than I've ever been.

Evan Marks: Being a trainer at PM is not easy. It's a very challenging profession

Sean Weisbrot: in a sea of coaches. How do you stand out?

Sean Weisbrot: What is different about you and your message and your process that makes people want to work with you over someone else?

Evan Marks: I think a lot of coaches live in the world of positive psychology.

Evan Marks: And Sean, I am the [00:06:00] opposite. So I believe that we don't have an app that tells us when obstacles, hurdles, challenges, and emergencies happen.

Evan Marks: So we live in the camp of opportunistic reality. So we prepare when things go bad, right?

Evan Marks: Because my clients, I call my team, so people that I coach, I call my team are always ready.

Evan Marks: So for us, emotions are data. We're in the, we're in the camp of behavioral change, right?

Evan Marks: That's what we're constantly doing. So what makes us different is that we are not always wishing for a beautiful day.

Evan Marks: We're ready for any moment. So it's, it's almost like, it's almost like a, uh, like a jaguar in the brush, right?

Evan Marks: We're that aggressive patience. You could feel your heart. So we really marry the why.

Evan Marks: Why do we do what we do? How, how does the [00:07:00] brain really work? So we put that together.

Evan Marks: So in moments of chaos, my people are ready to strike, period.

Evan Marks: The end, but it's science-based. Everything I do is science-based. It's not fluff, it's not positive.

Evan Marks: Psychology, obviously, positive psychology and positive attitude are different things, but we are always ready to strike.

Evan Marks: I really believe in times of chaos is what differentiates everybody.

Sean Weisbrot: Do you think it's because of your experience in Wall Street that you, you had so many of those heart pumping experiences when markets are moving really fast and you're trying to get in and out of opportunities, you know, to save yourself or to

Evan Marks: Definitely, you know, but I was a D one athlete, you know, I went to UPenn.

Evan Marks: I was a lacrosse guy, blew my knees out twice, significantly impaired, you know.

Evan Marks: Just a student now instead of a student athlete. Then I spent 25 years on Wall [00:08:00] Street where nobody talked about emotions and all this stuff, and I wish they did, right?

Evan Marks: I've had performance coaches get bigger, do the work, get bigger.

Evan Marks: That didn't work. So Wall Street definitely had a massive impact on me, and so when I coach people, our experiences are completely different, but the approach is also different.

Evan Marks: Like, you know, Sean, you are different than John, different than Bob, different than Sally.

Evan Marks: Everybody comes from a different spot, but a lot of it literally is psychological and then understanding how the brain really works is the added advantage.

Sean Weisbrot: So I, I have long been a fan of positive psychology only because there's too much negativity out there.

Sean Weisbrot: At the same time I've been. Accused by many people of being a pessimist for which I say I'm an [00:09:00] eternal realist, but the reality is the world isn't a positive place and so there's a lot of negativity in in human species, and so it's difficult to operate on a positive psychology model.

Sean Weisbrot: As a realist, knowing that a lot of people are just lying to themselves in order to accomplish that, unfortunately.

Sean Weisbrot: So, uh, I, I also agree with you. I think a lot of people don't talk about their emotions.

Sean Weisbrot: I think my generation, and I think my, my parents' generation grew up without emotions, like without the conversation on emotions.

Sean Weisbrot: But my parents were smart enough to talk to me about emotions.

Sean Weisbrot: That's enabled me to be one of the more open and capable communicators of the people that I know of my generation and [00:10:00] I, I wish more people had the ability to be more open-minded and, and capable of change through the ability to be vulnerable.

Sean Weisbrot: So do you work with them on their vulnerability in order to build them up to be enabled to be ready for whatever happens?

Sean Weisbrot: Or how do you get them ready?

Evan Marks: You know, when, when you think about, when, when we talk about these negative emotions, like negative, negative, all it is is an emotion.

Evan Marks: It's a data point.

Evan Marks: You know, the body knows that when we feel joy and we feel panic.

Evan Marks: It's literally nine or 10 seconds you're in that, that emotion. It's how we attach behavior and experience to it.

Evan Marks: 'cause the body wants to road homeostatically, right? So we always, the body wants to come to this baseline.

Evan Marks: So when we talk about vulnerability, you're talking about the truth about who you are.

Evan Marks: So it's so interesting, I think you and I spoke about it when we had a call earlier, when we think about self-improvement.

Evan Marks: When [00:11:00] people are obsess over self-improvement, they get further and further away from who they actually are.

Evan Marks: So when we understand who we are internally, what makes us tick, what does our programming look like growing up, all these things, then real improvement begins.

Evan Marks: But for a lot of people, they're trying to restore something that was taking in this obsession of self-improvement.

Evan Marks: But if you don't know what you're really improving. You gotta know who you are first, thus answering your question.

Evan Marks: You gotta be a little vulnerable. So when I, when I have clients, they know it's an, it's an open book.

Evan Marks: I can't do my job if I don't know everything.

Evan Marks: So when you build this trust with a client, that's where the magic happens.

Evan Marks: When you're allowed to be vulnerable, you are allowed to tell your truth. That's where the magic happens.

Evan Marks: Right, because you're, you're open. Yeah. It's a [00:12:00] wonderful place to be.

Evan Marks: I mean, listen, for many, it's scary and I get that, but without a doubt, Sean, that is where growth happens.

Sean Weisbrot: How do you build that trust? How, how do you put them in a place that allows them to become vulnerable for you?

Evan Marks: You know, as a coach, my job is to be present.

Evan Marks: To listen and ask questions, but also, you know, for me growing up and, and they asked me my story, you know, I was raised by a single mother.

Evan Marks: My dad was a, a homeless, cracked addict, and an older brother was handicapped.

Evan Marks: You know, I've had my ups and downs also, like life is not linear for anybody.

Evan Marks: So I think they hear my story like, wow, this guy's successful, but he's had all these obstacles and hurdles in his life.

Evan Marks: So even though I share my journey a little bit, right?

Evan Marks: Even though obviously I'm there for the client, you start to build this trust and, and, and quite [00:13:00] frankly, Sean, 'cause I, 'cause I fucking care, they know that their success and their wellbeing is, is a top priority for me.

Evan Marks: And the reason why they feel it. 'cause they know it's true.

Evan Marks: You know, it, it's, it's funny like sometimes when you think about it.

Evan Marks: Obviously coaching is a, is a great profession, right? And it could be very lucrative, but I look at it differently like, I'm here for impact.

Evan Marks: I, I really, if you were my client, I want the best for you and I'll do whatever it takes.

Sean Weisbrot: Have you heard about Gen Z being this, like lost generation of boys who are, who've been disconnected from masculinity?

Sean Weisbrot: And they're desperate search to kind of have that inner strength, but don't know how to access it because they didn't have strong fathers in their life.

Evan Marks: Gen Z is what, what, what, what years are those Again?[00:14:00]

Evan Marks: There's so many, there's so many letters nowadays.

Sean Weisbrot: Gen Z is the one after millennials. So I'm, I'm a millennial.

Sean Weisbrot: I'm one of the older millennials.

Evan Marks: Millennial, right? Or you're an early millennial. How old are you? 40.

Sean Weisbrot: I'll be 40 in a few months. I'm, I'm one of the older millennials.

Evan Marks: Older millennials, right. And I'm 53, so I am a gen.

Sean Weisbrot: You're in Gen XI think.

Evan Marks: Am I Gen X? Yeah.

Sean Weisbrot: So I would say Gen Z is like 25, like the oldest Gen Zs are probably 25, 20.

Evan Marks: My youngest clients are probably 25 to 31 in that range. But it's interesting, like.

Evan Marks: I can't answer that question because I only deal with high achievers.

Evan Marks: So the people I work with come to me who want to get better, who want to talk about their emotions, who want to change their behavior, who want to push the limits.

Evan Marks: So the people that come to me are [00:15:00] those people that I love coaching.

Evan Marks: So when we talk about the Gen Zs who, who are not in touch with their emotions, I, the people I deal with want to be coached.

Evan Marks: If that makes sense. So I, I, I deal with the elite who want to get better.

Sean Weisbrot: Do you think they're high achievers because something was lacking in their early childhood that gave them the ambition to prove them, prove themselves to themselves or to some someone else like a father that wasn't available.

Evan Marks: So the question then is what makes a high achiever right?

Evan Marks: That, that's kind of the question you're asking.

Sean Weisbrot: Yeah.

Evan Marks: You know, it, it's so interesting. I think you, you, how about this, when you have a phenomenal parents who were just incredible role models that pushed you and you became an incredible, you know, whatever you did.

Evan Marks: Or you can come from a place of, of, of scarcity and made a decision to be phenomenal.

Evan Marks: I don't know what [00:16:00] it takes, how somebody becomes a high achiever, but I know what it takes to stay there and to get better.

Evan Marks: There's so many different makeups. You know, like you, you are, you are a high achiever.

Evan Marks: You come, you have, you have very strong parents.

Evan Marks: Let's say I'm a high achiever. My dad's a crack head.

Evan Marks: My mom's a single mother who just literally kept us alive, but then we both are high achievers, so it's very hard to answer that question.

Evan Marks: The question is, all high achievers have obstacle and hurdles that they have to go through.

Evan Marks: How do you get better and stronger, and how do you stay successful?

Sean Weisbrot: Yeah, that's a question I ask myself.

Evan Marks: Mental performance right there.

Sean Weisbrot: I was very fortunate to have two loving and present parents who were very vulnerable and encouraging of me to have emotional intelligence and.

Sean Weisbrot: And I grew up thinking that that was [00:17:00] the norm.

Sean Weisbrot: I thought every child had this kind of a life.

Sean Weisbrot: And then I got to college, you know, I moved away, went to college, and I realized that most people are actually really messed up inside.

Sean Weisbrot: Mm-hmm. And they didn't have anything close to the love that I experienced. And that was really hard for me.

Sean Weisbrot: 'cause like, damn, like.

Sean Weisbrot: I thought I was the, I thought that was normal.

Sean Weisbrot: And now it seems I'm the weird one. I'm the normal one because I love myself and I believe in myself and other people love me and believe in me and support me and encourage me, and I, I was sad when I realized this at the age of around 1819, because I wish that other people had that.

Sean Weisbrot: Why is it fair that someone gets ignored or abused, whether that's physical or psychological or sexual, they don't deserve, like they've, they've never done, they've done nothing to deserve that from the people around them.

Sean Weisbrot: Nobody deserves to be ignored or abandoned or anything like that. And yet it [00:18:00] happens.

Sean Weisbrot: And, and I, I think that, um, that was really difficult for me in my earlier age with dating because a lot of the women I, I found.

Sean Weisbrot: Not that I attracted them, but that was just what happened to be what, what I, you know, the kinda women I met came from broken families and it was really hard for me to see a future with them because they struggled to love themselves and therefore they struggled to receive my love and they were struggled to, to give me love.

Sean Weisbrot: It was like, how can we have a family? How can we have kids together and be happy if you are constantly in this struggle with yourself about, you know, fight or flight.

Sean Weisbrot: If I give you love and you, you struggle with that, like that's hard.

Evan Marks: Through neuroplasticity we can change, but the only way you change something is acknowledging it and working at it.

Evan Marks: You know, most

Sean Weisbrot: people don't wanna do that.

Evan Marks: You know what, some people don't, right?

Evan Marks: But I work with the ones that do nobody, you know, even, you [00:19:00] know, nobody's story is that vanilla.

Evan Marks: Right. You know, being, having, you know, but everybody, there's a little bit of something in everybody's story, but you have to, you have to be all right with acknowledging it if you want to get better.

Evan Marks: So when you ask me that question about building trust and honesty, the key to changes, knowing what you want to change and where you want to get better, so.

Evan Marks: Being in denial. What do they say? Uh, ignorance is bliss, right? Yeah. Ignorance is bliss by the way.

Evan Marks: If you see nothing and you just keep moving on, but when you're not in denial and you do nothing about it, that is a very hard place to be.

Sean Weisbrot: It's painful.

Evan Marks: It's extremely painful knowing that you can change even though you want to.

Evan Marks: [00:20:00] That is where coaches come in, therapists come in, all that stuff because you can any, I really, you know, and, and when we talk as we just KB positive psychology, I do believe anything is possible.

Evan Marks: I do. But I know that it's, you gotta go through a little bit of muck.

Evan Marks: You have to. And it's not linear, right? I, I coach some amazing people.

Evan Marks: I mean, flat out amazing, but we all have some struggles sometimes. It's really how do you get your feet?

Evan Marks: What are we trying to change? Where do I need to be? What's important now? Where am I?

Evan Marks: Where is my focus right now? These are constant questions you ask yourself if you want to change.

Evan Marks: What happens is, you know,

Evan Marks: change doesn't have to be hercule, but you have to be [00:21:00] patient with progress because just like money, behavior compounds,

Evan Marks: give yourself that time. Give yourself that, that grace to get better, you know, and space, grace, space, whatever, right?

Evan Marks: But, but give yourself the opportunity. You know, I started M1, two and a half years ago.

Evan Marks: It's my coaching, uh, group and I've been coaching about eight years, and now we're doing a lot more.

Evan Marks: We did a TEDx talk in January.

Evan Marks: We have a book coming out the end of this year, possibly beginning of of 27. We have a course coming out.

Evan Marks: We got great clients, but as we build the speaking business, I know I'm not jumping on stage at the garden.

Evan Marks: I gotta start small somewhere. I have to get better as a speaker.

Evan Marks: I have to work on my stage presence.

Evan Marks: It, it does take experience in reps, but I know it, [00:22:00] so this is the steps I need in order to get where I need to, in order to go where I want to go.

Evan Marks: It's important where people are like, ah, I don't wanna do this. It's, it's gonna take too long.

Evan Marks: You start stacking days, weeks, and months, time becomes an ally and watch how fast things happen.

Evan Marks: I do believe that.

Sean Weisbrot: Do you get people coming to you that don't know what they need to change, but they, they think something needs to change.

Sean Weisbrot: They just don't know what it is.

Evan Marks: So people always come to me about a leaf on the tree.

Evan Marks: They think it's this leaf, and it's never the leaf they think it is. It's always about the roots, right?

Evan Marks: Because they're unconscious about it. So my job is to bring the unconscious conscious, and that's what I do as a coach.

Evan Marks: So they think it's something obviously, and it's never that thing that they think it's ever,

Sean Weisbrot: I, I like that you said that because I was doing [00:23:00] a mentoring session.

Sean Weisbrot: Uh, there's a platform called Growth Mentor that I, I do free mentorship once in a while.

Sean Weisbrot: And there was a woman that came to me and she said, I wanna launch a certain kind of business and.

Sean Weisbrot: You know, we started to go through the details of it.

Sean Weisbrot: I started to give her advice on how to launch it.

Sean Weisbrot: She had sold a previous business, so she was sitting on some cash.

Sean Weisbrot: And so I gave her tangentially some financial advice about how to protect that money and not do what I did, which is to put that money into the next business and lose it.

Sean Weisbrot: And then you're back to, you know, not, not square one for me, but you know, she had made less.

Sean Weisbrot: So it's more important for her to be careful. And as I was talking to her, I realized actually.

Sean Weisbrot: The problem wasn't that she wanted advice on how to do do this business, but that she had lost her sense of purpose and ambition after selling the previous business.

Sean Weisbrot: But she wasn't talking about that. And so we, we got into that and I was like, look, I understand I had a business that I made a lot of money and after that [00:24:00] I also lust my sense of purpose and ambition.

Sean Weisbrot: And I struggled for years to find it. And finally I did, and now I'm back on a path that I'm happy with.

Sean Weisbrot: But you know, you have to figure that out. Like you might love the idea of this business, but it might not be the right business for you.

Sean Weisbrot: So before you put any effort into making this business happen, I think you should take a step back, protect your finances, and figure out what the hell your purpose is and what you want it to be.

Sean Weisbrot: And I said there comes a certain point where when you make more money than you need.

Sean Weisbrot: You should think about what you wanna give back to people, and maybe that business ends up being something that you do as a charity.

Sean Weisbrot: For people who are poor, right? Is like a travel business.

Sean Weisbrot: Like maybe you, you let poor people experience travel overseas that they can't afford because you have another business that actually is your, your thing that you're passionate about, that's making you millions of dollars and allows you to create this other thing that you just give away for people, that that's your joy, right?

Sean Weisbrot: But you have to [00:25:00] find what your purpose is.

Sean Weisbrot: And after you've made so much money, you kind of stop thinking about yourself and you start thinking about others.

Sean Weisbrot: Not everybody does. Some people do. I've heard of actresses.

Sean Weisbrot: Have like soup kitchens, they, they put millions of dollars a year into feeding homeless people because that was the thing that called them to action.

Sean Weisbrot: Um, and they continue to act in order to continue being able to fund that thing. Right.

Sean Weisbrot: They don't need that money. But

Evan Marks: now you're, you're talking about something very important, motivation, what motivates you, right?

Evan Marks: So as, as an entrepreneur, as a young entrepreneur, you're motivated by money. Right. And success.

Evan Marks: Right? That's a possibility. You really have to find, you know, define what you're motivated by.

Evan Marks: Like, for me now, it's impact, right? I'm motivated by, I'm, I'm motivated by serving others.

Evan Marks: And that's, you know, my purpose, my meaning, my calm, whatever you want to call it.

Evan Marks: But like a great question to ask yourself and that young lady, what am I motivated by?

Evan Marks: Like, like what, what gets me going? Like, where do I [00:26:00] find fulfillment?

Evan Marks: By the way, fulfillment could be building businesses, giving people the opportunity to create.

Evan Marks: We, we, we, a lot of people just don't ask themselves these self-explanatory questions. They just don't.

Evan Marks: So they live in this unconscious state and going back and they're thinking about it's a leaf when it's never the leaf.

Evan Marks: You know, I always, my clients know, like when we feel that our foundation is a little shaky, take the proverbial step back and ask yourself a question, whatever.

Evan Marks: It's like for me it's always where do I need to be right now? Right.

Evan Marks: And that's kind of gets me centered. Have a question that you asking yourself, right?

Evan Marks: Because for this woman who had success.

Evan Marks: She has to take that step back and look at the Mount and say, what motivates me now?[00:27:00]

Evan Marks: I think it's important for anybody.

Sean Weisbrot: Thanks for watching. If you liked this insight, I've handpicked another video for you right here on the screen.

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